I love my dear city immensely, and just like anyone I love, I wanna see her Do Better!  Lately I’m starting to think she’s exhibiting signs of being a side chic who grew up with no strong male influence to help guide her into adulthood.


 Here are the things I’ve noticed:

  1. She only cleans herself up when rich white men with money come to town: WE all know its true.  On a daily basis locals have to drive through the trash filled streets while bums pee on the sidewalk.   The stench of horse manure and urine can rightfully be compared to a ratchet girl’s designer imposter’s perfume its’s so pungent.  However, when we know the money is coming, the streets are hosed and the homeless are herded to outside the CBD.  I even saw workers picking up trash on the side of the road for the Super Bowl and almost veered off the road I was so shocked.  Baby Girl knows how to get pretty for Big Daddy.
  2. She’ll fulfill any freaky fantasy your wife wont do: Tourists and convention goers come to New Orleans and flock to the Quarters ( and Craigslist) in search of all the depravity their home cities don’t offer.   We not only oblige Big Daddy, but we do it with a wink and a giggle.  They call it part of the charm, but I’ve always been a firm believer in “Respect my house the same way you respect your own”, but then again Peeps can only show you the respect you show yourself **shrugs**
  3. She isn’t aware she’s not wifey material:  It’s the tragedy of the side chic when she’s not aware she wont ever be the wife.  Yes she’s alluring, exotic, and time seems to stop when you’re here; but she’s not the one you settle down with and damn sure not the one you have kids with…and least kids you willingly claim.
  4. She doesn’t realize she’s her own worst enemy: Side chicks have that thing with them where they just cant be told anything.  New Orleans is the same way.  You can’t tell anyone on the city anything helpful without them rolling their neck and saying “If you don’t like New Orleans..Leave”  To which most of the decent people who live wholesome lifestyles who most cities would love to have actually Do leave and find somewhere with a more progressive mindset.   We all know side chicks Never progress!
  5. Her kids always look like shyt: There is nothing worse than those side chicks who spend all the child support money on their own selfish upkeep.  it never goes to things that actually matter.  Like education of the youth or quality of life investments.  It’s always just to party more or some other superficial improvement that one of her Johns will enjoy more than the babies.  It’s so sad when u see those tramps all dolled up while their little rug rats follow behind hungry and snot-nosed, but a side chic has only one motivation and that’s the next trick!
  6. No matter how much money you give her she’s still gonna look like a bum bish:  I’m not gonna get too deep into politics, but since Katrina ALOT of money has come into this city.  You wouldn’t know it to look at it.  Whether its mismanagement of trusting the wrong Dude, a side chic will always end up broke with nothing to show for it.
  7. She only gets attention at parties:  New Orleans is definitely a party city. She prides herself on it actually.  She’s the city u come to and show your titties in the street and drink till you’re puking in the gutter.  She’s gonna ride you hard and put you away wet, but once the party is over so is the appeal.  Sure she’s still cute, but boring with nothing intelligent to say!
  8. She’s getting too old for this:  You’d think one of the oldest cities in the country would be a lot further along than this.  However, like that hot girl in high school who started having kids too soon, she just never got it together.  Still clinging to her old claims to fame like being the birthplace of jazz and Mardi Gras.  Never reinventing herself.  A legend in her own mind.

Of course I mean no harm, Only Shade.  I’m one of those people that roots for the side chic, but SHE has to WANT it!

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Vitamin Q (VQ) is a writer, blogger personality, and a social commentator. He irreverently analyzes how social issues affect individuals in modern society by using sarcasm, humor, and intellect, creating his own unique blend of Southern SHADE, purely for the purpose of helping like minds cope. “I say it so you don’t have to!”
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